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havent been here in a long while.. for weeks i guess. been very tired. almost like i have been deprived of rest for years in the past two weeks. but i guess. the way i handled things. it was wrong, very wrong in fact. when the exams ended yesterday, i simply couldn't find any reason to smile, considering it was the last paper and tt means 1 mth plus break now. felt stupid. very. i mean. i was prepared and could have finished the paper without any worries. but i guess the breakdown pt just came when i simply couldn't carry on with it anymore. was writing nonsense, crappy nonsense. and now i've to live the next 4 weeks waiting for the results, attempting to convince myself each day tt it's over so get over it and move on. i nv knew studies would matter so much to me, until tt when i realised how much it meant to you tt i did well. you've never given me pressure, but i know it means alot because he has always wanted me to keep trying harder each time. im sorry. it really hurts. and as much as i tell myself each day tt it's not everything, it still is at the end of the day. yeah this sounds so stupid. never knew i would be saying such things. im really quite sick of all these smtimes. n each day, i can only look forward to the time when im in bed. when i know another day has passed smoothly, for her and her, and for myself. it's been a while since i last felt this weight pulling me deeper and deeper down.
i havent forgotten the feeling when i showed him the grades each year. but as i picture him looking at my grades the way he used to. im in shame.
im sorry. i failed