--

grandpa's condition took a turn for the worse. really can't foresee what'll happen over the next few days. it's either a make of break. why always the same situation.
and you've proven once more, that you've never been fair. at all.
quit taking people away from me.
im sick of u.

taking a break from everything.
period.

i really can't figure it out

why do such things always have to happen when u least expect it to. when u thought everything's and everyone's gonna be so happy together. sth just has to be that major spoiler. it's crazy. twice, not just once.
going down to my gram's place soon. but not to celebrate christmas or my gram's wedding anniversary anymore. this has got to be the worst christmas ever.
my grandpa's hospitalised. fell in the hall this morning and dislocated his arm. what more must happen to an old man who's totally defendless now? someone just tell me. n he was just discharged only a couple of weeks back. life is sick.
and my popo, she's already had enough i feel. enough of all this. think she's going for an operation soon. the last time she was hospitalised, it was when my grandpa got admitted.
n sometimes, you can truly feel the love they share.

probably going great world later to get some gifts for the family. hopefully to lighten up the mood. things just keep getting worse.

and hsin.
i want you to know too, that you are just as important to me as i am to you. n it'll always be this way. next year, we'll spend more time together than we did in this year. and we'll bring our lives together again. we'll have stayovers (yes i can. after so long). and we won't have to miss out on each other for so long anymore. i promise.
perhaps i would have never stood up again without your constant reminder. and i hope his strength, which he instilled in me, will be passed on to you girl:)

my only wish for santa this year, would be for you to be happy where you are

a yr gone again

n i suppose this day will be this way for the rest of my life. i really think so. until the day she takes things a step further. until we accept things.

it's been a fine day. nth much today. havent got much plans, havent got any in fact. celebrating christmas with my family tmr, as well as my grams' wedding anniversary:) think it's really sth everyone will wish for once you've found your other half -- till death do we part. cliched, but life IS always cliched.

been quite a lousy week, with the exception of the movie which kept me smiling for two days at least. pls. let it be better next week.

got a surprise xmas card from miaoling. a real surprise:) miss that girl.. especially her laughter. it's so contagious i say. hah..thanks so much girl:) waiting eagerly for another 'swimming' session:>

i think. i've been horrid this year. failed in so many areas. and done so much, yet truly did so lil. too caught up with own work, too lil time for others. it shldn't be this way. time spent with my friends was too lil to really mention bt.
it pricks when i realise how lil time i've given to friends who have been such a big part of my life.

hsin annie da sy.
i really regret not giving more of my time to all of you. not knowing more about how you're all coping with your new lives. not being there when any of u needed a listener. not catching more movies, not shopping enough, not talking more, not being together enough. im sorry. i really treasure the times we spent together. times when i feel just so at home. so comforted. so warm.
but this year, i havent done enough.
n i suppose that's the reason for a part of me lost in this life.

atiqahmypartner julie germ.
haven't been to many of our CC outings. compared to our daily session at the back of class a year ago. i've really missed out alot. there's just so much we could talk about. tons we could laugh over. even the slightest thing in our surroundings could cause serious laughing sessions. without julie lo to quarrel with every single day. no germ to try to convince my argument towards. no partner to support me. everyday seems just the same. so routined. i really miss each n every one of u..

im sorry.

yes, we have moved on. slowly.but surely. but steps dun ever end. we still have to keep moving forward, at least, keep trying to. im trying. trying very hard to. why doesn't she ever snap out of it. smtimes i really feel the urge to scream at her. but no. i can't. cant hurt her like he did. n i really hope we would stop hurting each other like this. pls. quit. shall we move on together, please?

then again. maybe life hasn't been that bad. i've had my fair share of good times. even if they disappear once i return. i still find solace in netball. still do, after so many years. n yes, as much as i know i'll nv see him there again during games, i believe he is. still standing there n guiding me thru it all. your determination has spurred me on. and your strength, im still learning to tap on. please guide me into 2006, the way i believe u always have.
studies wise, it's been alright. yes stressful smtimes, but as i've always said, stress is everywhere. i'll just have to keep learning to live with it.
friends wise, thanks to a great bunch of mates, especially two nutty girls and one kiddy guy, school's still going by well:) thanks really.

2006. i hope it holds more than 05. i'll spend more time with the people i love. with them, and them.
i promise.
i'll find my direction n seek my goal.
i'll be as best a daughter as i can.
i'll play as hard as possible.
i'll seek treatments for all problems bothering my physical self
i'll speak up more.
i'll take you one step further

and today.
as you've always said, 18 forever.
may you find comfort wherever you are.
we've gotten a cake for u, so you don't have to get one for urself the way u did for years:)

happy birthday daddy:)

i'll keep loving you.

i'll do it

feeling really chocked up these couple of days ever since tues.. there seems to be so much to do in so lil time.. argh really sick of all these stuff.
went to the doc yesterday. apparently the doc said he cant explain why im feeling tt tightness in my chest. so he made me do an ECG test.. nth again, looks normal according to him. so he stated two possibilities: either asthma, or im overly anxious and worried. n in fact, i think it's the latter. anxious bt what? i cant exactly figure out either.. tests? perhaps. but i dun think tt's exactly the reason.. i mean, i dun bring academic matters to trngs (besides the rests in between occasionally), why the horrid tightness after trng tt day? so doc said its very very rare for someone my age to hav heart problems, and since he cant tell wat's wrong, he's gonna refer me to heart specialist to do some..treadmill test? run on the treadmill and take my pulse and stuff,as he said again. but guess what.the appointment is like.. two mths later? 24 feb? rang a bell when i heard 24th feb -- fiona's birthday:) they could really try to be more efficient u see. nonsense really.

but anyway, had trng after that. very slack though. the weather for one thing, kept us indoors to do steps--tops my 'dislike' list. the run was good though:) yeah then had a very interesting conversation with my snr, choy bee. she's really quite funny:> still rem the time i was on the sidelines with her midway thru a game, she really cracked me up big time.hah. n i happily made a mess of the stats-taking. hah. didnt even warm down after the second quarter cos of all the laughing. n went back in at the 4th so 'heated up'. hah. honestly feel it'll be a real pity when the yr 3s graduate.. i think we'll miss them alot. but life goes on:)

christmas eve tmr.. it used to be a day i looked forward to so much. so much. now. no longer i guess. will be getting a cake, a small one. sis n i bought a card on monday. we'll have a quiet night together tmr. 4 of us.

and we'll be together again. the way we've always been.

lovin it

Pride n prejudice was great! though bit short i thought, but yeah it was really captivating. the scenary, settings, people(especially keira knightley!), clothes..and what have you. splendid:> the book would definitely definitely make a wonderful christmas present. hah.. im so gonna get the dvd for this..

it's been quite a fine week i guess. didn't exactly go for the chalet cos i guess, there r just some things i can't put down as of yet. but yep. these couple of days have been pretty alright. trng was fun, though bit unfruitful compared to the sat trngs, i tought it was really nice for once:) trng again tmr, hope it'll be a good one just the same:>

going to the clinic to get a referral letter for a checkup tmr..boring.. have got so many things to buy..
- cards
- books
- clothes
- shoes
- gifts?
- soundtracks!
mann.. whole lot of stuff to get. n im left with just one week only. great. perhaps will try n get some stuff before trng tmr..hopefully?

n yes meeting the girls next sat:) last day of 2005 spent with them! what a perfect way to end the year. hah. miss them all so much.. hopefully after all the netball stuff, there'll be more time to spend with them. oh but. yeah crap.. they've got As to work on.. argh.

n my dearest partner msged me yesterday to tell me she was at KAP. it's still weird sitting beside different people every lesson.. those days of folding boats on rainy days and letting them row down the 'stream'. hah. all the crapping at the back of the class.. it just hasn't happened again since then.. can't wait to meet up with them again:>

was thinking bout going back to visit mrs ow one day, perhaps during the new year.. if she's still there? miss teachers like her. she really tries, and sometimes i just feel so horrible for not having been appreciative enough.. hopefully will be able to go back with my sis, cos mrs ow's always asking bt her..hah.

off to get some stuff done before having an early night. rather shagged d..

and sometimes it just cuts so deeply

dead

tired. very tired. trng was alright.. but the tightness in the chest came again. simply couldn't breathe enough for 2mins plus. mum said it could be heriditary. from her..heart murmors? according to her doc tt's what it's called. argh crap..nth good happens for nuts. gonna get a checkup next wk after the chalet stuff.

oh finally im going out to catch pride n prejudice on mon:> hah. keira knightley! din manage to catch domino.. regretted big time, but will definitely get the dvd:) oh wanna catch perhaps love too. and wat..family stone? oh n a chinese tall story..so many my god. shld just go on a marathon to save my no. of days out:)

"But because Ms. Knightley is, in a word, a knockout, the balance has shifted. When this 20-year-old star is on the screen, which is much of the time, you can barely take your eyes off her."
review from The New York Times.

had a word with coach today. feels weird calling her by name, then again. coach sounds weird too. afterall she's only 3yrs my snr. yeah but, i pondered hard over what she said. i guess, i've to learn to put some things down and pick up some roles. laid flat at the grandstand after trng while everyone else went up to clubhse, and thought bt the conversation with her.
Thanks, for reminding me again the need to cast aside those crappy thoughts.

so we got drawn up against NUS, NYP and SP. yeah..NUS..what a lousy piece of news. NYP doesn't seem good either..havent heard bt SP, but guess the standard'ds definitely gonna be there. hopefully, we'll come out of this nicely:)

"this is not a well-mannered 'Masterpiece Theatre' but a film where strong-willed young people enter life with their minds at war with their hearts" --- Chicago, Sun Times

sorry

we won the game.
but.i think.
i lost more than i won.much more.
sorry.
you are all winners. thank you so much for the great fight till the end. thank you.
n yes you're right. why did we have to do it. at the end of the day, do we really wantit? then again. how much did i want it this way.
why do i feel like the biggest loser tonight.

i've let you down. and i know you wouldn't want this either.

last game tonight

going off soon for the 7pm game.. yeah it's the last game tonight, for this yr-end league at least. the previous game was good, but not good enough. we failed to reach our targetted goal-difference.. so it's now carried over to the game tonight. really hope we'll be on form to do something miraculous to be at the top by a difference of a goal. i guess, it's all in your mind. all down to how much you really want it. will try harder again tonight.
coach kinda lectured us after the last game, and i think it woke us up. we need discipline. n we'll do just that.
Oh and i saw Ms Vivian the last game, she looks just the same alright. reminded me of the days in crescent when the snrs would be lectured by her. then again she's really a good coach. i mean what else can you say about your coach when even the opposition team feels she's such a good coach. it was a pity we were never under her, but being under ms toh was something unforgettable:)
oh well going off now. better not be late.

you're beautiful

CIP

just back from school.. had the CIP review session:) it was alright, not as bad as i had expected it to be, but yes, we can do better and we will definitely do better:) good job to all my grp mates! it's really been great working with everyone of them:> Thank you too Mr Leong, for giving us much credit and feedback during the review session. It really provided some guidance and instilled confidence in us:) We'll work harder on the points you mentioned to us about and do a better job for the next PBL.
Finally pbl 1 is really over. 10 marks only, but so much work involved.. i really feel we did alot. but i guess, going the extra mile's always going to be better:>
Next assignment will be macromedia. it's due in Jan so i guess, shall have a break from the hands-on of CIP first and start getting into the theoretical side of it for the coming common tests.
Lecture covered the common tests topics today, with some revision again. i had better get my textbk soon before the break..tt leaves me with two days to do that.

-PBL 1- DONE

cip entry

It was a different group of members i worked with for PBL 1 this time round as compared to the previous groupings for projects last semester. I can say it was indeed a great experience working with these 4 other people:)
When we first received the project requirements, each and every one of us were relatively worried about how we were going to handle this project. It took us sometime before we got onto ourselves onto the right track, but the process was really enjoyable. Sim Lim Square was the first place that came to our minds in terms of gathering resources and information. While the others did their research over the internet, i sought the help of my cousin in accompanying me to Sim Lim Square as he was more learned in the area of computers and hardwares. We checked out the different prices and varieties of hardwares and softwares, namely norton antivirus 2006 and accounting softwares.
With the information in hand, i gathered the group again to look through the bulk of the gathered information. We found some information very useful and of course, some completely irrelevant ones. Over that discussion, we also assigned our individual parts of research to each member and completed our PBL Discussion Notes.
The next meeting came a couple of days later when we were to start on our powerpoint presentation. The objective of that meeting was to do a brief outline of the scope that we would be covering in this problem. With that, we started on the powerpoint, where we covered: assumptions, contents, system requirements, common software and type of administrative PCs. We also commenced on the floorplan and network diagram as these were relatively of more importance as compared to the others.
At the next meeting, we continued with our powerpoint and briefly completed majority of the necessary work. We met a couple of problems though in the process of compiling all our information to be put into the powerpoint as the information was rather limited still. Thus, we researched intensively and found much more related information. By then, the network diagram and floorplan were almost completed.
At our second last meeting, we completed the powerpoint, inserted the network diagram and floorplan and edited the powerpoint again. The last meeting basically saw us assigning the individual parts of presentation and everyone was to be familiar with the contents of the presentation.
At the presentation itself, i felt that my group members did very well in terms of their readiness and confidence. Even though there was a fault in our presentation, i know everyone of us had tried our very best. While it was a tough and stressful process in coming up with a solution for this problem, i am glad to say it was truly a refreshing experience for me.

Next up would be the macromedia assignment, which i hope will be a job well done:)
The notes provided for both the lectures on Flash and Macromedia were very informative and will definitely be of great help to me both for the assignment and for future use.

useless thing

it was a horrible day yesterday. really horrid. useless me. really useless. it was an impt game agst live wire, one i had waited for the whole week. and of all days, the idiotic tummy aches had to come yesterday. literally struggled home from school. BIG THANKS TO JUSTIN for all his help. owe him big time.
CIP presentation was crappy..everyone did well:) but i was really lost. could barely concentrate. gave a shitty presentation. crap.
almost crawled home after that.. took a cab home and thanks again to the driver for offering a bag when i almost puked up in his cab.. dragged myself home and puked nuts. even a shower was of no use. went str8 to bed after showering bt 3 and just laid there for the next 2 hrs plus. was praying very hard it would be fine by 6 but obviously it din work out tt way.. so the other girls went on with the game. and cheers to them for fighting all the way:) it sounded very exciting just over a call, must have been even more intense at the game itself.
we gotta win by hundreds by the next game or the one after. in any case, we just have to win by big differences or we'll lose the chance of a first spot..
argh..really awful day.. crap!!

im sorry

again

won the game agst SCB. again and as usual, the defenders were in tiptop form. *sorry i really didn't mean to mess up the stats.. everyone did well, especially the defenders*
felt very mean after the game when i spoke to the SCB ladies.. i ought not to have done that. i'm sorry.
gotta work on the consistency of my shots, and the communication with my shooter. im sure we'll keep improving and play our best game of all in two weeks time:)

think i really ought to get contacts..im going blind soon.

trng tmr, will work even harder on those areas:>

my surprise of the day came from that silly siying:) miss her so much..on court, seeing her ard. everything. she used to be someone i felt needed protection and lots of care. so somehow unconsciously, i'd always get very affected by her. still am now. can't wait to lay with her:) hah. against or with is fine with me, as long as she's on court:> hah.

another week's over again. why do i feel i've only got 12hrs a day..? will make it a fruitful weekend. must.

one more week and sis will be back. havent been apart for so long. nv.

and you will still be there after all