caught the guardian yesterday. i really enjoy such movies. really do. but i realised im always having difficulties breathing when i watch them. and tt's why i guess, i prefer comedies. would rather spend 2 hrs laughing over sth silly than 10hrs on such shows. cos it doesn't stop playing when the lights come on. it lingers. for the next few hrs, the next day, and prob. even the next whole week to come. i dislike the pain that comes with it. and that very scene i keep trying to get over just won't quit replaying in my mind. im scared.

i used to think how things would be without u. but i realised i shouldn't have wasted my time on them. cos it wouldn't take long before the answer was slapped in my face.

my heater's gone, and all that left's the freezing chill.

random pics from my gram's birthday dinner. which was.. last sunday. hah. one big family. held close together with her small hand:) i love holding her hands, though i always have to slant my body to one side to accomodate her height.. and i'll nv forget the way she held mine all these yrs:)







taking silly pics before dinner.. hah.. she's xiao bao. and im xiaolongbao. hah.. of cos. my mom's dabao. hah.











the cuzs i hold dear. we've grown up tgt, and shared alot. used to have our daily saturday night mini gathering at the macs below my gram's place.. but macs moved away, so we kinda havent really stuck to the weekly thing anymore. but we r always trying to make an effort to meet up:)

pic's not clear thou..






one big family. with my gram:) it takes ALOT of persuasion and effort to get her to leave the house... and she was so happy tt day, kept smiling for every pic like an innocent kid.. love her sooo much!!









with my uncle's family:) one of the pics in which she smiled so perfectly.. hah. tt lil boy in there used to be soooo naughty u just wanna kick him. hah.









gram just had a haircut yesterday, by my aunt. she looks even cuter now. hah.. and every night when i say 'gdnight' to her, she replies with a 'gdnite' too. hah.. and she always makes it an effort to try speaking to me in english when i say some english words to her.. other than that, it's normally conversations in dialects. :) she was like my mom, looking after me when my parents were busy with work in their younger days. and im so thankful she's still by my side after all these yrs..

just back from dinner not long. super ex. dinner at lawry's at paragon.. three servings of lawry's cut and two lobster's tails.. my god. 3 people and we spent like 400bucks on FOOD. am gonna have to live on bread for the next few days to ease this guilt.. my serving of beef was soooo thick i thought they loved me so much.. so i chewed and chewed until i got so sick of chewing i wanted to puke. it's really quite disgusting to taste the same flavour continuously.. my crazy mom insisted on having it for dinner.. after she spent 300bucks on my specs. cos of my stupid lazy eyes. i really need to scrimp now.. saw so many things tt i wanted to get but cudn't even lay my hands on them after spending 700 in 2hrs.. mom always consoles herself saying it's not everyday that we eat such stuff. i chose to think like her for the first few times, but now.. it's quite hard to convince myself to eat gold.. but still, we really enjoyed the dinner:) it was a simple day out in town. but sth that we rarely do.. so it really means alot when mom agrees to go shopping with us. we seldom go town together, not even back then, so it makes me really love such days:)

short day tmr, two lectures only. then trng.. serious trng now. crap.

my mind has been clear these 2days. there's been good progress. but tmr. it'll probably be the real test. of whether i've really moved on.

i subconsciously seek the presence of tears each time u laugh. n i pray everyday. that they'll dry up someday.

great day of lessons:) i enjoyed.. hah. love accounts. and marketing's getting interesting..seems like im making a right decision to heed ur words. just spoke to mom and sis bt the electives, and i figured. heck. challenge is what makes you come out stronger than the rest. and as sis said it, everything happens for a reason. i like to draw alot of motivation from them. it has never been easy for women to establish their footing in the world out there, but mom has done it great. and sis is coming up too. i've always believed that u left us for a reason. and i find myself right time after time.
unless u've been put in such a circumstance, u'll never know how it feels to see some light after a stretch of what seemed like endless darkness.

break again tmr:) gonna get my specs and contacts done.. hopefully can go town to get them. considering how much mom doesn't fancy gg town. hah.

i can't wait to drive.. first theory lesson has made me drive even more.

and i simply cannot believe all the crap and ridiculous stuff i've been hearing the entire night.. it's absolutely crappy. u really need to get a life and stop thinking the whole world's gonna do sth to ur girl.. mann u're crazy. don't expect the world to accomodate ur lack of trust in her and faith in urself. so quit tryin to put us in a spot idiot.

the beat keeps me going

listening to two great songs now:) makes me so much lighter. hah. songs from a fren's band.. what a way to end my dreadful day of tutorials. hah.. a load of thanks.
i knew i was waiting for something like tt to release me from this crap. now i've found it, and thanks soooo much:> whoever the singer davin is, i totally love you. hah.

will upload them soon:) it's amazing how music therapy works. hah.. i havent felt so good in a really long time.. like i cud just plug these 2 songs in and listen to them thru the night and go to sch super early tmr:> thanks loads mann stam. hah.. as i just told tiff, i feel alive.

took 4hrs to do stupid aaa tutorial.. really can't concentrate with the com on.. must be more disciplined joyce.
long day at sch tmr, 9-6.. disgusting. then driving lessons after that.. at 6.. hah. gonna cab down from lecture..

actually i wanted to tell u, that for awhile, i thought it was mutual. 'was'. maybe the timing could have been diff though. it was a funny feeling. and i kinda didnt really acknowledged it, cos it nv struck me tt i would feel tt way.. didn't exactly know how to tell u earlier on. so yup. now we've both cleared our junk:)
it's been a long while since i last heard such news. hah.. the past is still quite vivid.

i wish the sun would shine a lil brighter:)
all set for a brand new week

met tiff today. talked quite abit. she kinda got some stuff thru me.. for awhile. hah. but yep. i know what i need to do right now. for the next 4 months at least. so i'll change gears asap. since nth's gonna come out of it, i'll be pro-active for once.

pro-active = u said it.

every word u say gives me so much pressure. smtimes i really hope u could come ard and tell me everything's fine. but it has nv been that case.. it's always.. ' although... but..' why can't u just stop before the 'but'?
u tell me u wanna fast-forward the times u spend guiding me. and i wish i could explain, that the only reason why im taking so long to absorb ur words is becos of u.
i seldom find it hard to look someone in the eye, but it just nv happens with u.
so. i'll start looking into ur eyes, and taking ur words at the very level u speak. and no more pressure from u. enough.

tutorials day tmr. gonna do aaa and pmkt.. then gotta settle some stuff.. hopefully things will turn out fine.. done for the day. bad week. next week will be better:)

mom's my angel.

signed up driving. gonna get over n done with the two basic theory lessons next wk, even though i've passed the test. some stupid procedure to follow.. then on to advance and sign up for practical at the same time. hopefully i'll be able to drive around by my birthday next yr:) went back sch at 3 to do some stuff for polympics. crappy stuff. then meeting at 6 with the committee. nice people all of them:) kinda settled most of the logistics, left with some bits and pieces to prepare. tired again. self trng tmr morning.. gonna try to get a gd nights sleep after last night's terrible rest.. asked limin bt her course of specialization and kinda see a lil light now. should be marketing, otherwise, HR.

and this morning's lecture was the first time i've been so focused this week. i really listened to his every word. and yes i understood everything for once. gotta keep this going and slap aside everything else.

it felt weird sitting beside u in that uncomfortable silence before u left. i hope u'll talk to me if sth's wrong. pls do.

and today. i didn't listen to a single track of that list. the very list that makes me lose my way. i found new songs. and i've got a new list. and i find myself not waiting by my phone anymore. when we meet next wed, u'll be out. yep.

i'm movin' on.

bye.

boring lesson today.. social psychology.. only good thing is that the lineup for the next 5 weeks seem more interesting.. if one day u see me doing sth really absurd and ridiculous in town, pls act normal, and behave as u would if it's someone else. i'll just be carrying out an experiment to observe people's behaviors and reactions:) lesson was boring, very theoretical, but learnt a lil too.

i keep going in circles, with absolutely no idea how to walk a straight line. i need to focus. i haven't been able to concentrate at all. not a single thing i've learnt this week has gotten in. it's time to snap out of this vicious cycle and run along again. 3 more days of nonsense. after which i'll not think abt it anymore.
i'll construct my reality. i'll convince myself with a reason for not thinking. cos things shouldn't have gone this way. right.

so the next time we meet, u'll be out of my mind.

moving on to track 7

not too bad a game last night, didn't manage to reach her target of 8, but the overall play has improved alot. so we've achieved our aim in joining this competition even though we were barely prepared.
all went for dinner after the game. then home again at 11. tired.

i'll quit thinkin bt u. dont like the feeling of having to anticipate and watch meticulously for ur every move. i miss the freedom, where nth else mattered much. and i won't allow myself to fall in any deeper. out i come.

give me a reason to stir up these feelings.

trng again last night. shagged.. but we finally worked things out, the motion's there. and im starting to feel the way i did when sy and i played tgt back then:) lovin' it.
aching up down everywhere, it's just a matter of time i'll sprain both loose ankles.. just lemme last thru tonight's game will do. last game tonight. it's of great importance. we definitely can't win, but our only concern is to bring the goal diff as lil as possible. new combi tonight, hope it works out the way it did yesterday night:)

and im really loving trng now. thanks so much.
ur presence makes a diff.

because of u

awful week. terible games. only consolation came when gram smiled so much at dinner last night. we celebrated her birthday yesterday over dinner at west coast. we haven't seen her smile so much in almost a yr.. the atmosphere. perfect. when we sang her the birthday songs, each and every one of us. teared. that kinda feeling. it's as though u're really grateful for all that u have now. as much as we may have conflicts every now and then, we're just so grateful she's still with us, still holding the entire family together, and slowly stepping out of this horrid circle of depression. we've come a long way, almost 10 mths in this circle. it has been really tiring. we've shared her depression. day in day out we hear her groan and moan. it definitely has got to us, however small an extent it may be. and it's only at such big gatherings that u feel the warmth of a big family. at the very second itself, the coldness disappears and warmth rushes in. i love them all. even my aunt who nv seems to stop irritating me. they've all been there for us, and they are also the ones who taught me to grow and to love. :)

this aside, played 3 games over 5 days. lousy. another game tmr. and my partner went down with a tear in her ligament. of all things to happen.. only can hope for the best tmr.

trying hard to get over this feeling. i know i can do it.

and thanks loads ms lovely, for bringing me to terms with my past:)

been finding all sorts of ways to get out of the house this week. it's really too pressurizing at home. i feel like her personal maid. crap.

tues's training got me a lil scared of myself. how i actually enjoyed training more with coach. i clearly remember how i used to dislike her so much i had to drag myself to trng. and even wanted to quit the game cos of her. but now i've found one more reason to go for trng whole-heartedly. and i totally love it again. next week's a competition week. we're playing in the POL-ITE competition with the other polys and ite. and i've been hearing alot bt how the other polys have been preparing for the games, especially sp. and when i think of how we only really got our players 3 weeks again, a whole lot of inconfidence comes around. in either case we'll just try our best and keep learning. it's the ivp games in january that really matter still.

met annie hsin da and sy last sat:) had steamboat at turfcity, then went down to island creamery. hung ard and did alot of catching up.. i really miss those days when it was netball at 6.30am and netball again at 3.30pm. when i spent my time on sth i thought was my life. shall try to meet up for a game after their As:)

and last nite was steamboat again with carolyn and aaron. they looked so tired.. one came from work, the other from blading. and me. from home after trng. told that girl something i think shocked her. at least it seemed that way from her look. then went arcade for bishi bashi (if tt's how u spell it. hah.) i realised all my frens love this game. for i dunno what reasons. hah. then she taught me sth really interesting while we were on the train. we were packed like sardines but there was still some space and we were trying to get our balance. so she just stuck out her second finger. so naturally i asked, and she said it helps to keep u balanced. and when i wanted to try it after that, the dumb train jolted so i ended up 'dancing', in her words. hah. she's flying off to bangkok.. and i'm stuck here finding ways to escape. told her to get some hermit crabs for me:)

then of cos, back home again near 11.. was too late so culdn't do any catching up with my cuzs. oh and i have no freaking idea if it's coincidental or what, but i just realised that on two occasions, after i meet my cuz's gf for the first time, both ended up as the last time i would meet them. it always seems such that a month plus after i talk to them, they'll break up with him.. think i shld just keep clear and not ask him to let me meet her. so now he's escaping too. both of us, from reality.

there are plans to go europe in december, after common tests:) can't wait!

gonna teach a class of sec 3 students, financial investment stuff next tuesday. first time teaching. even presentation has only been in front of at most 25 people. now it's gonna be 40 odd. and it's teaching. im really praying it'll go well. went NUS last sunday for first session of trng and was there again just now for the second round.

last week of holiday next week, three days down for games, 1 for trng, 1 for rest, 1 for work, and 1 for meeting up. going eyecentre on wed, hope i'll get the letter of approval allowing me to drive.. then fri visit to newater for tour.. just becos they are gonna sponsor our event.. what a chore..

certain things are just too random. it's better off not knowing than trying to find out. makes the world a simpler place to live in. each time i read such things, everything starts coming. so better off not reading.